http://www.bagu.cc/
哈哈，仿照塞氏的名篇《I Want a Wife》，我也来一篇搞笑的。
但是，笑过之后咱们思考一下是否有些道理。
I belong to that classification of people known as men.
I am A man. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a single
man.
Not too long ago a female friend of mine appeared on the
scene fresh from a broken date—she dumped her boy friend.
She is looking for another boy friend now. As I thought
about her while I was surfing the Internet one evening, it
suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a
boy friend. Why do I want a boy friend?
I would like to go back to school so that I can become
academically more successful, be smarter, and, if need
be, make my boy friend stupid. I want a boy friend who will
work and drive me to school every day. And while I am going
to school I want him to sms me every five minutes telling
me that he misses me. I want a boy friend to call me ten
times a day that he needs me. I want a boy friend who will
turn whatever inundating sensations about me into words,
and he must fax, telegram, mail and email them to me. He
should be quite skilled with computer so that he is fond of
making those sweet words into fancy and touching designs by
taking advantage of his fascinating skills with Photoshop,
3Dmax, Maya, Illustrator, Freehand, CorelDraw, Macromedia
Flash, and Adobe Director and Premier. His expression of
his love must be manifested through enhanced multemedia
technology that thrills all female creatures on this planet,
but should only be directed my sole private way! He must
tell me that he is the second happiest being on Earth
because I am the happiest one.
I want a boy friend who will take are of my physical needs.
I want a boy friend who will be always around when I need
to carry anything heavier than two kilograms. I am
physically able to do that myself, but I need a boy friend
to show that he cares for me and he must appreciate doing
that. I want a boy friend who enjoys going shopping with me
as a bagman—carrying all the bags filled with my
shopping triumphs. He won’t go looking here and there for
his things but follow me wherever I go. He will not
complain but rather smile at me and ask if I am feeling
tired. And If I am exhausted from walking, he will offer
his walking shoes to me, and he wears my high-heel shoes
himself. When we go home, he will be honored to carry me
up the stairs on his back. As I am learning and he is
working for income, he should have the convenience and be
happy to pick me up from school every day. I need a boy
friend to wait for me at the door of my classroom so that
all my classmates are jealous of me having such a handsome
boy friend.
I want a boy friend who will financially support me. A boy
friend who is financially well-off in the first place. To
put it straight, he will have over seven digits in his bank
savings account. He has a car and a nice house. I want a
boy friend who will never care about spending money on me,
and who will see to it that all my demands are filled, be
it new dresses, nice purses, exquisite stylish shoes, or
the most cutting-edge digital products. I want a boy
friend who will be generous to financially support my
family. A boy friend who will give 10,000 yuan to my
mother and 5,000 yuan at least to my father at any given
holiday. Whenever he goes to my family, he will buy
expensive gifts; whenever it comes to any of those
meaningful days, he will buy me nice dresses or jewelries.
On Valentine’s Day, he will always remember to buy me a
diamond ring. Yes, I need different size, shape and feel
of diamond rings, so one piece every Valentine’s Day is a
must.
I want a boy friend who will not bother me with rambling
complaints about a boy friend’s duties. But I want a boy
friend who will listen to me when I feel like talking about
my female friends, female stars or just any minor issues
that happen around me. And I want a boy friend who will
always concentrate on listening to me talking about those
things. A boy friend that will understand that I am not
interested in machines, technology or cultural/historical
knowledge, and therefore never attempt to talk about
computers, DVD players, cars, HTML language, or ask me
questions like which year Emperor Qian Long was born and
which year he died.
I want a boy friend who will enjoy being obedient to me in
front of my friends. A boy friend who never complains when
I show him off to my friends, family members and relatives.
Sometimes I will intentionally humiliate him by laughing at
his physical shortcomings such as his being too short, too
bad-looking, too old, bald-headed, or too fat. He will
happily accept that I am not trying to disgrace him, but
rather enjoy him as a family member myself, and I am proud
of him being so inferior to me, such a pretty and elegant
woman people call snowwhite! I want a boy friend who will
always be appreciative of whatever I say and do. He will
enjoy being my slave listening to my orders; he will feel
uneasy if I turn to him gloomy or angry; he will try every
way he can to make me smile. For him, what life is all
about is TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
I want a boy friend who is sensitive to my sexual needs. A
boy friend who will make love passionately and eagerly when
I feel like, and a boy friend who never asks for sex if I
am not in the mood. I want a boy friend who always takes a
good care of me when I am in MC, and never even gives me a
sexual hint at that critical time. I want a boy friend who
will hate oral sex and always work the traditional way.
But he will be swift to change to whatever pleases my needs.
I want a boy friend who will remember to use condom each
time without my reminding. A boy friend who will never go
to sleep immediately after a hot sex, and who will talk with
me for whatever hours I see fit.
I want a boy friend who will be completely, unconditionally
faithful to one woman solely on this planet, and that’s ME!
He will not look at any female critters between the age of
10 and 80. Even though some promiscuous women try to
seduce, I want a boy friend who will remain cool, not even
smiling at them. I want a boy friend who feels guilty even
his eyesight have an inevitable contact with another
woman’s eyesight, and he will tell me that he has sinned
and beg for my forgiveness. And I want a boy friend who
understands that my romantic needs may entail more than
strict adherence to one-boy-friend only. I must, after all,
be able to relate to more excellent men as fully as
possible.
If, by chance, I find another man more suitable as a
boy friend than the boy friend I already have, I want the
liberty to replace my present boy friend with another one.
Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my boy friend will
silently walk away, and take with thim everything that
belongs to him so that I can start my new life free of his
influence. And when I am with a new boy friend, my ex boy
friend will still love me and wait for me to change mind.
My God, who wouldn’t want a boy friend?
以下是我阅毕《I want a wife》后，尝试译成汉语。疏漏良多，
翻译之路非一朝可蹴也。
2005-3-26
我想要个妻子
1937出生于旧金山的朱迪·赛菲丝（Judy Syfers）认为美国妻子的根本问题是
"美国社会的主流价值观看重利益而不尊重人们的需要。只要我们继续容忍这种社会
制度，我们就会继续被当作劳工和妻子遭受剥削。"赛菲丝夫人于1960年获爱荷华
州立大学美术学绘画专业学士学位。她想继续深造获取更高学位，希望一边画画一
边在大学教书。她的（男）同事建议，作为一个女人，最好是在中等教育水平的学
校执教。但她根本不听，很快就结婚、生子。本文发表于《女士》1972年春季预览
版，是赛菲丝根据亲身体会创作的。
塞菲丝在她的文章"我想要个妻子"里，阐述了当今社会强加给"妻子"这个角色
的含义。她认为，现今社会游戏规则里，所有妻子都必须完全地为丈夫付出，心甘
情愿满足丈夫的一切需要，在自己努力工作的同时让丈夫完全满意，并且还得当好
一个好母亲，并保持自身的美貌和魅力以吸引丈夫。赛菲丝用非常讽刺的，近乎沮
丧的笔调诠释了她心目中"妻子"的定义，全文具有非常强的讽刺意味。 "我的
老天啊，如果妻子有这么好，谁不想要一个啊？"她用这句话作为结尾，好象在向
全社会呐喊："为什么妻子必须这样？"
（注：本背景介绍并未收录入原文，是我在网上查到的。）
我想要个妻子
—————————–
□文/朱迪·赛菲丝 ■译/蓝鸟
我属于被分类为"妻子"的那一类人。我是一位妻子，并且，绝非偶然，我也
是一位母亲。
不久前我的一位男性朋友刚刚离婚，成了众人注目的焦点。他有一个孩子，当
然是跟了前妻。他又在找人结婚了。一天晚上我在熨衣服时想到这位朋友，突然觉
得我也应该有一个妻子。为什么我也想要个妻子呢？
我想继续念书，经济上独立后自己养活自己，并且如果有必要的话，养活需要
我照顾的人。我想要个妻子，她有一份工作，并且每天送我去上学。当我在学校念
书时她要照看我的孩子。我想要个妻子，她要记得带孩子去看医生，并且记得在我
需要去看病时提醒我。我想要个妻子，她要保证孩子们吃得好，整天干干净净。我
想要个妻子给孩子洗、补衣服。我想要个妻子把我的孩子照顾得好好的，安排他们
去上学，教育他们要多与同学们交往，陪他们去逛公园和动物园。我想要个妻子,
在孩子们生病时照顾好他们，在孩子们需要特殊护理时陪伴在左右，因为我要努力
学习，不能旷课。我的妻子得学会在工作时挤出时间来照顾家庭，但不能被炒了鱿
鱼。这样她的工资当然会略有减少，但我不会在意。勿容置疑，我的妻子得一边工
作，一边花时间照顾孩子，挣钱养活他们。
我想要个妻子照顾我的生活。我想要个妻子把家里收拾得井井有条，把我弄乱
的东西放好；为我洗衣服，熨衣服，该补的补，该扔的扔，该买新的就立马买来；
把我的私人用品收拾好，我一旦需要用时立即能帮我找出来。我想要个妻子帮我做
饭，她得是个好厨师。她得计划好每顿该吃点什么，自己去超市买回来，然后愉快
地把香喷喷的饭菜端上桌。她必须要表现得做这些事情很愉快。最后她收拾碗筷，
做清洁，而我就在书房钻研我的学业。我想要个妻子，在我生病时照顾我，感受我
的痛苦，为我不得不错过的上课时间而懊悔不已。我想要个妻子，当我和父母、孩
子去郊游时陪伴我们，在我需要休息和放松时照料我和孩子们。
我想要个妻子，她不会唠唠叨叨地埋怨多做了家务，让我心烦。但是，当我在
学习上遇到难题并且想与人讨论时她得耐心倾听。我写完文章后她要帮我打出来。
我想要个妻子，她要安排好我的社交活动。当朋友邀请我和妻子出去玩时，她
要安排好保姆照顾孩子。当我在学校认识了一帮好朋友，想要在家里款待他们时，
我想要个妻子提前把家里打扫得一尘不染，准备好丰盛的饭菜，端到桌上供我和朋
友们享用。当我和朋友们谈论彼此感兴趣的话题时她绝不能打扰我们。她得先让孩
子们吃饱饭并准备上床睡觉，当我朋友到家后孩子们才不会吵来吵去影响我们。我
想要个妻子，她会满足客人们的需要，让他们在我家里感到舒适，比如给他们准备
好烟灰缸、开胃凉菜，随时准备好添加菜肴，为他们倒酒，问问他们要不要喝点咖
啡等等。她得理解有时我需要独自一人出去玩个通宵。
我想要个妻子，她充分感知我的性需求，在我想要时激情地与我做爱，让我彻
底满足。当然，我不想要时，她不会用任何性暗示骚扰我。我想要个妻子，她有责
任做好避孕措施，因为我不想多要孩子。我想要个妻子，她在性方面要绝对忠诚，
我才不想因为吃醋把我的学业搞得一团糟。我想要个妻子，她充分理解我的性活动
可能并不十分严格遵守"一夫一妻制"。毕竟我必须尽可能多地与人交往。
如果哪天我发现有一个女人更适合做我的妻子，我想自由地用别的女人取代她。
我天性喜欢新鲜，渴望新生活。因此，我的妻子会带着孩子离开我，并且承担抚养
孩子的全部责任，让我毫无牵挂地开始崭新的生活。当我完成学业开始工作时，我
希望妻子辞掉工作待在家里一门心思相夫教子，充分地去履行她作为人妻的责任。
我的老天，如果妻子有这么好，谁不想要一个啊？
(蓝鸟译于2005年3月26日《英语学习四十年精选之性情人生》第53页文章
"I want a wife"；《英语学习》1993年第3期曾刊载过这篇文章。原文如下：）
Judy Syfers, who was born in San Francisco in 1937, feels
that the problems of American wives "stem from a social
system which places primary value on profits rather than on
people’s needs. As long as we continue to tolerate the
system, we will continue to be exploited as workers and as
wives." Ms. Syfers received her B.F.A. in painting from the
University of Iowa in 1960. She wanted to go on to a higher
degree that would enable her to paint and to teach in
a university, but her (male) teachers advised that the best
she could hope for as a woman was teaching in high school
with a secondary-education credential. Her reaction was to
drop school, get married, and have two children. Thus the
present piece, which appeared in Spring 1972 preview issue
of Ms., arises from real experience.
In the essay, "I Want a Wife", Judy Syfers exposes the
meaning of "wife" presently in our society. Her argument
is based on the premise that all wives are completely
devoted to their husbands and are willing to tend to all
their needs and satisfy them completely while working,
being a good mother, and remaining gorgeous. Syfers reveals
her definition of a wife in a very sarcastic and frustrated
manner. Also, the style of the whole paper is very ironic.
Almost as if she is screaming, she concludes her essay
with, "My God, who wouldn’t want a wife?"
注：本背景介绍并未收录入原文，是我在网上查到的。
I Want a Wife
I belong to that classification of people known as wives.
I am A Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.
Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the
scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is,
of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As
I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it
suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife.
Why do I want a wife?
I would like to go back to school so that I can become
economically independent, support myself, and, if need
be, support those dependent upon me. I want a wife who
will work and send me to school. And while I am going to
school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a
wife to keep track of the children’s doctor and dentist
appointments. And to keep track of mine. too. I want a
wife to make sure my children eat properly and are kept
clean. I want a wife who will wash the children’s clothes
and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturing
attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling,
makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their
peers, takes them to the park. the zoo, etc. I want a wife
who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife
who arranges to be around when the children need special
care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school.
My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose
the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife’s income from
time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say,
my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children
while my wife is working.
I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs.
I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will
pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes
clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who
will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper
place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it.
I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good
cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary
grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly,
and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a
wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with
my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go
along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can
continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest
and change of scene.
I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling
complaints about a wife’s duties. But I want a wife who
will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather
difficult point I have come across in my course of studies.
And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I
have written them.
I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social
life. When my wife and I are invited out by friends, I want
a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements.
When I meet people at school that I like and want to
entertain. I want a wife who will have the house clean,
will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends,
and not interrupt when I talk about the things that interest
me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged
that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests
arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife
who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel
comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that
they are passed the hers d’oeuvres, that they are offered a
second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are
replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to
them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that
sometimes I need a night out by myself.
I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife
who makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it,
a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course,
I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I
am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the
complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not
want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually
faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my
intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who
understands that my sexual needs may entail more than
strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to
relate to people as fully as possible.
If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a
wife than the wife I already have, I want the liberty to
replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will
expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children
and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.
When I am through with school and have a job, I want my
wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can
more fully and completely take care of a wife’s duties.
My God, who wouldn’t want a wife?